Life's low moments provide new perspective

After a particularly brutal few days in a row, I couldn’t prevent the tears from streaming down my cheeks when I finally had a moment alone with my thoughts. I just felt overwhelmed with the responsibilities of juggling a family, a job, a house and a dog.

And yet, people do it everyday. I see them. I know them. They make it look so easy.

This month marked the end of my maternity leave and my subsequent return to work. Sure, I had concerns about the transition, but I assumed everything would fall into place once I established a routine.

But that never happened. I just ended up wondering whether I was capable of being a wife, a mother, a daughter, a journalist, a homeowner and a dog biscuit dispenser. After awhile, it was impossible to ignore that little voice inside asking, “Do you really have what it takes?”

The doubt tends to creep in at 4 a.m. while I’m feeding my daughter in her nursery, a wedge of light cascading in from the hallway. I worry that instead of doing everything well, I won’t have enough time to devote to anyone or anything. I’ll always be wishing I could do more. Be there more. Have more to offer.

The lowest moment was perhaps a call from my husband, Jerry, on my first night back at the office. I immediately detected a furious cry in the background as he asked for advice.

My heart broke. My baby needed me and I was miles away sitting at a desk under fluorescent lights. My initial instinct was to run out of the building without taking the time to grab my purse and coat.

It wasn’t a lack of trust in my husband; it was more a physical gut reaction. Instead of reaching for my car keys, I offered a few suggestions and made Jerry promise to call me back when things settled down. It was agony waiting, but our daughter eventually fell asleep and, from what I understand, each night has gotten a little easier.

The same could be said for me at work. I’ve had a few frustrating setbacks, but I’m starting to feel more confident.

It might sound strange, but I give much of the credit to a magazine ad I saw recently. It wasn’t anything extraordinary, just some fine print next to a baby’s face. I paused to read it because anything pertaining to infants stops me in my tracks these days.

The ad was for an auto company. It was promoting their engineers and said the reason they’re so good is because they have families — and they design their cars knowing what precious cargo goes into them.

I couldn’t help but think that the same can probably be said for all fields. Doctors with children know what it’s like when they’re sick. Teachers with children know how important their education is. Police officers with children know who they’re protecting.

I guess it was the first time I really considered the fact that maybe my being a parent adds to my ability to do my job. And maybe my responsibilities at work help me to be a better mother.

I know I’ll always have low moments where I break down. I know I’ll sometimes make mistakes. I know I’ll always wonder whether I could be doing more.

But now I’m convinced that everyone has those moments.

Fortunately, they make the good times seem that much better.